Why You Lost The Erotic Spark But Still Love Each Other (And How to Get It Back)

The paradox of erotic spark in relationship—compatibility vs desire

You love your partner. You work well together. But when you lie in bed at night, there’s a question that won’t leave you alone: Where did the erotic spark go?

If that resonates, then this is for you. I hear you. You want both: a solid, functioning relationship where you and your partner feel aligned on the life you’re building together—and you want erotic spark.

The Paradox We Don’t Address Enough

You want to feel emotionally safe, connected, and appreciated for who you are and what you bring to the table with your skills and talents. You want resonance between the two of you—enjoying great conversations over topics that interest you both, meeting each other in shared values.

All of this makes for a good relationship. Yes.

But here’s the paradox: the very things that make you work well as a couple or parents, the things that put you on the same team… also make you feel less erotically attracted to each other.

Think about it.

In the beginning, when you first met your partner, that erotic spark was just there. It was created through the play of opposites. Your partner was novel and different from you—you didn’t yet know them. They were mysterious simply by virtue of being someone other than you.

There was so much to explore together. Everything felt new and exciting. Likely there was tremendous variety coming into your life when you first met. That novelty, that variety, that play of opposites—it naturally created a spark between you. You didn’t have to work for it.

You probably also put more care into preparing to meet up with your new love. You fantasized about your next meeting. You paid attention to every single thing they shared with you.

But over time, you got to know each other better. Your attention waned. You became more comfortable in each other’s presence. The butterflies went. You felt safe. Maybe you moved in together, built a family, business.. or something else meaningful together. You fell into a certain routine.

Sameness makes for a good functioning day-to-day relationship. You are compatible.

Yet the more compatible you are, the more you’re in resonance with each other. And with resonance, often what happens is that the erotic spark goes out the window.

Here’s what’s important to understand: resonance isn’t the enemy. It’s essential—just not 100% of the time.

When Resonance Is What You Need

For those of us in relationship, about 95% of our day, resonance and alignment are exactly what we want. You need compatibility of values, goals, interests, and communication.

If those ingredients are missing, you’ll find yourself often in disagreement, fighting and discussing the most basic things—and that takes up enormous energy. The fighting might lead to good make-up sex afterwards, but the relationship problems won’t be solved by that.

If you find yourself constantly fighting with your partner and disagreeing, and your relationship feels exhausting and dysfunctional, then what you need is to learn how to come back into more resonance and alignment with each other.

You need to begin to honestly address what’s not working and learn to see your partner as who they really are—not what your preconceived ideas about them might be. Learning to communicate and relate to each other authentically will be essential.

And if you seem to constantly attract the same kind of person yet it never goes anywhere, then you need to address the root causes of that misguided attraction based on old imprints.

But What If You’ve Got the Relationship Part Sorted?

If your relationship is fundamentally solid—if you have the resonance, the alignment, the safety—but the erotic spark has gone quiet, there are three essential ingredients to bring back into your life:

1. Novelty

Remember how in the early days of your relationship everything felt new and exciting? Bring some of that back. Not necessarily in the bedroom (although it will certainly help there too), but generally, in your relationship.

For example, if you are a couple that spends a lot of time together, break it up a bit and pursue independent interests. Take yourself on a solo date—give each other freedom to explore things separately so you can come back with fresh experiences and stories to share. I have written a whole blog post on solo dates; check it out if you need some inspiration

Try a new sport together. Visit a city where you’ve never been. Wear new lingerie. Go on an adventure. If your partner tends to be the one coming up with ideas of what to do, take initiative and step into the lead.

2. Variety

Mix things up. Yes, many of us have days full of commitments and routine—but find small ways to shake it up.

Change where you have your morning coffee together. Surprise your partner by initiating sex at a different time or in a different room. Go to bed earlier one night, stay up much later another. Text them something flirtatious in the middle of a Tuesday. Swap roles for a day—if you usually plan the weekends, let them; if they usually cook, you do it.

The key is breaking patterns, even small ones.

3. Erotic Friction

Beyond novelty and variety, there’s something deeper: erotic friction is created through the play of opposites. It needs difference.
When you first met, there was natural distance between you—difference. Over time, as you got to know your partner, that difference was no longer novelty and so it lost its charge.

The good news: Erotic friction creates heat and spark. Spark is physics—it can be learned.

This is about cultivating polarity. It’s about allowing yourself to be mysterious again and exploring your fantasies and what brings you pleasure. As a relationship coach and embodiment teacher, I offer workshops that give couples and singles the tools to explore this play of opposites. These aren’t things you can easily figure out from reading about them—erotic friction is embodied work that needs to be experienced. In a guided setting with a skilled facilitator, you’re held in a way that makes it easier to drop your defenses and curiously explore what becomes possible between you.

The Hidden Cost of Staying Silent

What happens when we stop talking about it

Here’s what I see happen often: when people can’t get their needs for emotional closeness, safety, or erotic spark met any longer in their existing relationship, they don’t talk about it.

They shut down their desire for emotional and physical intimacy. And when they shut it down for themselves, they also shut it down for their partner. What doesn’t get addressed gets buried or builds ever bigger walls between the two of you.

This carries a great risk— for either you or your partner will go seek it somewhere else or become more available to have it met elsewhere.
Relationships take work. Not very sexy, I know (although it can be). But it’s a fact.

If you long for meaningful, passionate relationships that deepen over time, you need to become honest with your needs and desires, and get more attuned to each other’s emotional sensitivities.

The best way to start is by becoming more curious and attentive to each other again. To start talking about those things. Once you begin to have those vulnerable, edgy conversations… emotional closeness often times organically starts to come back.

A Closing Thought

I know—easier said than done. But it can be done if you and your partner want it.

The spark didn’t disappear because you chose the wrong person or because your relationship is failing. It faded because you became good at being together, at building a life, at creating safety.

Now it’s time to learn a different skill: The art of being both home and adventure for each other.

You don’t have to choose between love and passion. You can have both.

If this resonates with you but you’re not sure where to start, begin by bringing in one novelty this week.

I’ve also created a brand new self-paced online course for those of you, whose needs have gone quiet and who feel it’s high time to rediscover your needs and pleasure.

Reclaim Needs & Heartful Boundaries – A course in Self-connection is available here.

From my journey to yours,
Corinne, x

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