Feeling Drained by Your Partner? Here’s What Creates Ease Instead

How to Find Your Way Back to Each Other

It’s dinner time and you need to talk about something important. But they’re already shutting down, scrolling their phone. You feel the familiar knot in your chest—here we go again. Why does connecting feel so draining?

You’re committed to making this work. Deep down, you still care. But somehow, everything feels harder than it should be. The small decisions become discussions. The simple moments feel loaded. You’re both trying, yet the ease, joy and depth you long for remains elusive.

Here’s what I want you to know: the ease you’re seeking isn’t just about luck or finding the “perfect match”—though sometimes chemistry and timing do align beautifully. It’s about understanding what actually makes relationships easier—and being willing to do the work to find your way back to each other.

What Actually Creates Ease in Relationships

For a good functioning relationship, you need resonance and alignment. Sameness actually makes relationships easier.

I’m sure you heard the saying before: Birds of a same feather, flock together.

What I mean by that is the more compatibility you have around your values, interests, beliefs, and goals for your life, the easier it is to live and for those who choose, to parent together.

Compatibility makes for good teamwork. It brings ease and connection over shared interests. This means you can go on vacation together with activities that both nourish and replenish you. You can build a life that’s meaningful to you both. You can make decisions around how to raise your children with more ease.

In short: you don’t have to endlessly discuss or defend your values and what you want to do with your life, what interests you… because the other person just gets you. You’re aligned. Sometimes more than at other times, but overall, you resonate with each other.

If on top of compatibility you know how to communicate with each other so that both of you feel seen and respected for each other’s opinions and strengths—rather than always focusing on each other’s flaws and weaknesses—well then, you have a lot going for you.

However, when these ingredients are missing—whether it’s fundamental compatibility OR the communication skills to bridge your differences—you’ll find yourself struggling. Even personality differences that seem manageable at first (like one partner being adventurous, curious, and energized by exploration, while the other is risk-averse, preferring the familiar and finding comfort in the predictable) can become sources of constant friction without the tools to navigate them. You’ll find yourself often in disagreement, discussing, shutting down, or fighting over the most basic things.

Whether you spend time and energy fighting, or you hold it in and become passive-aggressive, both take up enormous energy. Holding onto emotions takes up way more energy than many of us realize. When released, that energy can be turned into vitality.

Holding onto emotions takes up way more energy than many of us realize. When released, that energy can be turned into vitality.

Of course, you can—and should—have your different hobbies and interests. That variety can actually bring richness to your relationship! (I spoke about the power of variety in my last blog post). The key is being prepared to give each other the freedom to pursue these things independently, without resentment.

Now let’s move on to discuss the silent saboteurs, that often make relationships harder than they need to be.

The First Reality: We All Carry Patterns

We all come with childhood imprints and the experiences of our first loves, and all of this shapes how we relate to others. For some of us, being curious, open, and vulnerable comes easier than for others. Being able to feel what’s going on for you, let alone express it to loved ones, has mostly not been taught to you—and so you’ve got learning to do.

Because relationships require that we can express our needs, desires, and viewpoints with our partners.

It requires us to own our part and take self-responsibility, not dump it on others. And to apologize and repair where hurt has happened.

And hurt will happen. To the degree of trauma patterns, attachment insecurity, addictions and many other personality traits people can carry—these patterns all impact how we do relationship. They are the silent relationship saboteurs I mentioned earlier.

So they need to be addressed with professionals, brought out of the closet, so that they no longer jeopardize the relationship you’re longing to have.

When you do this work, it can strengthen your relationship and bring it to an entirely new level.

Moving through tough times together and coming out the other end is a superpower. It becomes part of your makeup. You trust in each other, and your relationship grows because history has shown that you can do hard things together.

Moving through tough times together and coming out the other end is a superpower.

I know this from my own lived experience with my partner and husband of nearly 18 years who struggled with addiction early on in our relationship and did the inner work to heal and create new, much healthier patterns.

The Second Reality: We Avoid What’s Difficult

Humans like to move away from things that are painful and difficult and seek out the easier, more pleasurable ways.

So when relationships face challenges, a lot of people are not willing to do the inner work that’s required to enjoy a healthy relationship.

Recognizing this human tendency is important.

As long as we run away from the pain and the difficulties, it will keep showing up. Learning to honestly address what’s not working and seeing your partner as who they really are—with all their triumphs, tragedies, hopes, flaws, strengths, and fears—is key.

What This Asks of Us

We need to become more present and attentive to our partners. And we need to humanize them.

What I mean by that is seeing your partner as a whole person—not just the person who forgot to pick up groceries, withdraw from a important conversation or interrupted you again, but someone with their own fears, longings, and struggles. Instead of staying stuck in the blame game, finger-pointing, and endless resentment cycles—stories going on repeat in your head—we need more practice in:

• Truly hearing what our partner is sharing
• Seeing what they are expressing
• Feeling them
• Praising them—who doesn’t like to hear what our partner loves about us!

If we do, a lot can shift in the dynamic between you and your partner.

Presence, attentiveness, care, and generosity go a very long way.

What This Looks Like in Practice

A few weeks back I worked with a couple who had been together for 20 years. They were raising a beautiful family. Both were successful in their careers. From the outside, everything looked good.

But between them, walls had been building. They were going through the motions of partnership, raising children and the day-to-day challenges. Amid all that, the closeness between them had dimmed. They longed to find a way back to each other.

In our session together, I guided them through some of the most basic yet profound practices: I had them feel themselves first — tuning into their own bodies, noticing the sensations and emotions they were experiencing, dropping into their hearts.

Then I had them feel each other. Really feel each other. Not just look at each other or talk to each other, but sense into their partner’s presence, feel into their partner’s heart.

I guided them to give each other helpful feedback, to share words of appreciation—things they appreciated about each other that perhaps hadn’t been spoken in too long.

Essentially, I had them meet each other in fresh, new ways, as if it were for the first time, even though they’d been together for two decades.

Just being present and attentive with each other like this brought an immediate shift. More care emerged between them. Some of the walls began to soften. There was more intimacy in the way of feeling closer again, more connected.

It was beautiful to witness. The simplest things often are.

A Final Thought

Now, with all this said, I hope this serves as an encouraging reminder to you to either begin or continue on the path of relational work—with yourself and your partner. If you both want it, a lot of joy, ease, and contentment awaits.

Here’s something simple you can try tonight: Take a minute or two to feel yourself first—tune into your body, notice what’s present. Then feel your partner without talking. What do you notice? Maybe there’s softness there. Maybe tension. Whatever arises, just notice it—and if it feels right, share what you are sensing with each other.

Of course, this too needs to be mentioned: sometimes you just can’t find your way back to alignment because what you want is simply not compatible anymore—or maybe never was. Not every relationship is worth saving. Sometimes endings are the bravest thing you can do.

Always remember: it takes two to tango.

Much love,
Corinne

P.S.  If you’re feeling called to do deeper relational work—whether individually or as a couple—I offer relationship coaching that helps you build the skills for authentic connection, honest communication, and more ease. Learn more about working with me here.